She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
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Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
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I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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