I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
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Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
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She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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