I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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