Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
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I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
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He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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