he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
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Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
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The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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