It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
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He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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