I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
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She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
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