I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
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He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
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I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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