Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
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He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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