Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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