So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
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A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
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Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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