It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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