I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
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I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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