Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
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I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
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I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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