the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
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In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
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Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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