you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
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I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
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I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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