I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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