My hand turned me down
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
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No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
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I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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