Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
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a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
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my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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