hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
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there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
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