I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
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I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
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I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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