Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
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I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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