the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
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Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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