Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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