totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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