I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i believe in u and ur pee
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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