hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
im holly from the hills drunk
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This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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