I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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