Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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