Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my being single is dangerous.
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woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
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You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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