i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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