I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize