he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
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is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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