shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
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I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
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I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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