I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
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WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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