Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
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These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
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So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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