My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
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I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
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No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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