i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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