He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
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I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
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We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
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