drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
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As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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