Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
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I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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