I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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