if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You're like the curious george of whores
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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