remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
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if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
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You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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