My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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