i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
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Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
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That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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