He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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