please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
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It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
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You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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