I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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