Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
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I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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